Our Finished Dining Room

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I can with 100% certainty say that our dining room is FINISHED! Ah… it feels so good to say. It feels even better to know there is an entire room in our new house that is completely styled to our satisfaction. I liked the warmth of the farmhouse, but also wanted to incorporate the cool industrial look into our space since we live in the Steel Valley! In fact, our town is quite the juxtaposition being equal distance from cozy, family farms and steel mills. Speaking of contrast, I just can’t get over the before & after pictures of this space:

I like the actual place I’m living in to contain elements from what the area is notorious for. In San Diego it was pretty obvious: beach. My room had walls coated in a sand-like texture with the smallest flecks of gold, and I usually kept seashells on my dresser. This is starkly different from my usual beachy vibes, but this style feels earned. I really had to embrace not just Ohio, but this particular valley, and now I display it like a badge of honor in my home.

 

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The chairs are definitely what tied this whole room together for me. Despite them being a cold metal, which is some thing J was concerned about, they are actually quite comfortable and easy to clean. Even my curvy self sits comfortably in these chairs!

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These awesome chairs can be found here and are fairly affordable. The nice people at Anji Modern Furniture offered me a discount for reviewing these beauties on Amazon for them, as well as offering a little shoutout here, up on my blog. The truth is though, that I had already made up my mind that these were the chairs for us before we officially purchased them.

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Postpartum Depression

I have debated on whether or not I publicly wanted to declare that I am suffering with postpartum depression, and have since decided that it would be more therapeutic and healing for me to write about it, then to put effort into concealing it.

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I have been on a long and exhausting journey, and I wish I could say I have reached my destination but the reality is, I am still on the road to recovery. I don’t know when I will feel comfortable writing about my experience from start to finish, but today I wanted to reveal my very first encounter with a psychiatrist when I first started treatment. This doctor was horrible, and I’m not just saying that because I am “ill” or because she told me things I didn’t want to hear; I’m saying that because she had no clue about postpartum depression and was less than qualified to do her job. To any woman who has attempted to get care and been treated this way, I am sorry. I am sorry that our system failed  you. I am sorry that you may have even given up seeking treatment because of a bad experience. I am sorry that mental health care professionals carry stigmas against their own patients. I know; I experienced it.

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I remember walking into her office, alone, afraid, and completely vulnerable. Her space was the epitome of a psyche ward: cold pale tile floors, white walls with various dents and scratches, and bright fluorescent lights that occasionally flickered.  As I explained my symptoms she interrupted me and in a very brash tone assumed “This is your first baby, huh?” I remember being taken aback that I would A) be interrupted just as I am bearing my soul and B) to have an assumption made about me by some one who had only known me for a total of 3 grand minutes. “No,” I replied, “This is my second child, which is why I didn’t expect–” Interrupting again, she just couldn’t hold back her surprise at being so painfully wrong. “Second child? That is very unusual. Are you sure you weren’t depressed with your first? It isn’t common to have depression with your second child and not your first.” And that’s when it hit me, I wasn’t going to receive a fair assessment and this doctor was going to do every thing possible, even imagine a history of depression in me, in order to make my illness fit her perception of what Postpartum Depression looks like.

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When I thought it couldn’t get any worse, she ended our appointment by asking me, “Do you want to have any more children?” I told her, “Yes, my husband and I would like to have a large family some day.” With a cold, domineering expression she said, “You may want to reconsider. I would probably stop having children in your situation.”

In a society where it is a CARDINAL SIN to tell a woman what she can and can’t do with her body, an incompetent doctor who had assessed me for only 20 minutes decided I should never procreate ever again. This was my first experience receiving psychiatric care for my postpartum depression. Perhaps to some it sounds dramatic, but I am completely serious when I say that the care I received was criminal. It amplified my symptoms of feeling like a failure, feeling guilty, feeling crazy

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I have since found a therapist who specializes in Postpartum Depression, who cried when I told her of this account. She is the one who made me feel human again. She is the one who gave me hope that I could get better and go on to be an amazing, wonderful, loving mother [to even MORE children, if I wish!]

If you are struggling with this horrible, awful illness I want you to know 3 things: You are not alone, it is NOT your fault, and with the appropriate care you can get better. For great resources and tools to help you find a specialist, visit http://www.postpartum.net/

25

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I remember joking a year ago that I was on schedule for my quarter life crisis, as I passed 24 and was heading for 25. It was just that: a joke. I have my “career” figured out for the time being, I have a wonderful husband, my fertility clock isn’t ticking as I already have 2 beautiful children, and to top it all off, we just purchased our first home. To any one else my age, it appears I have everything handled.

In a lot of ways I do, but just like your average human person, in a lot of ways I don’t. I had a pretty extensive self-knowledge when I got married. I knew who I was and what I needed to feel happy and fulfilled. I was active, working toward my degree, and I knew I would get married and start a family. At 25 my degree has long since been finished, the wedding is over, and I stopped being active during my first pregnancy. I still felt utterly fulfilled through the vocation of motherhood. Everyday had its frustrations, but I knew what to expect from Sophie, and I truly felt in control and in my element when it came to raising our daughter. Flash forward to Cora’s entrance, and any confidence I had in my ability to mother has completely gone to hell. I find myself in 24 years worth of ashes, wondering if I have the ability to rise and emerge into year 25.

It has been a difficult season in my life. I recently wrote that I am on a journey to find myself again, and I don’t care how cliche it sounds, because that is exactly what I am doing. I am on a journey of healing, rediscovery, and love. I am just thankful that I have my best friends [J and the girls] at my side, helping me navigate this new era in my life.

 

{image source: LaurenConrad.com}

Sophie and Cora Update

Cora is just shy of 5 months, and her personality is exploding! She loves watching Sophie run  around, to is easy to make laugh, and overall: she is a happy baby now. The colic is gone, and while she still gets into fussy fits right as she is about to fall asleep, I want to say the worst is behind us.

This is my favorite age… Babies are getting independent enough to have their own personality, but still dependent enough to be cute, cuddly babies! It had been awhile since I tried doing an indoor photo shoot with Cora, so we gave it a shot with this cute bucket and some summer time blooms. I wish I had had more natural light to work with, but there were thunderstorms on and off all throughout the day leaving us at mercy of my camera flash.

Now Sophie is at a stage where she has to coming running in and participate in whatever we’re doing. This also makes my little photo shoots more difficult as back drops get pulled down and props, well — destroyed. BUT I had the good sense to stick her on the potty chair, first.

Cora idolizes her sister. Even when Sophie is trying to bury her in toys, or poking her out of curiosity, she is always smiling with her eyes locked on big sissy. I love watching them interact, especially since I know there will be a day when they will fight. For now, it is sweet sisterly bliss.

Unconditional Love

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When you think of toddlers and babies, your first thought is probably not “unconditional love.” I mean, they tantrum when you won’t run on the TV, cry when you walk in the room, and even say “No like you, mama.” The unconditional love I’m talking about is one that doesn’t see my weight, skin color, or life accomplishments. My kids don’t care that I never went for my masters degree, they don’t care that I’m a solid 40 lbs overweight, and they don’t care that I’ve been swearing under my breath since 6 am.

All they see when they look at me, is the mama who has nurtured them from birth, snuggles with them on the couch, and plays with them during the day. Even on my worst days as a human being, Sophie still wants to give me a good night kiss. Her love sees beyond my failures as a mother. When I am at my limit, and exasperated because Cora won’t sleep, she gives me the biggest grin as I attempt to swaddle her again for the 1,000,000th time. At this stage in life, my babies don’t hold grudges (even if I WON’T turn the TV on). There is a bliss to their innocence and ability to be easily distracted. A simplicity and forgiving spirit that I wish I had, but one that I am thankful to be the recipient of.

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Our Favorite Books

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Right now we have a few, solid, favorite books that we enjoy rotating through every day. Now that we’ve transitioned Sophie into her big girl bed [don’t be impressed, it is still a nightly battle…] she asks for a whole  stack of books to be read to her every night. The English Major inside me is excited, the exhausted mama in me is usually annoyed, either way: reading books is good for children.

Sophie’s 2 favorites right now include the beloved Daniel Tiger, and an Eric Carl classic, “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”

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I like the Daniel Tiger book as well, because this one is based on one of my favorite Daniel Tiger songs: “I like you just the way you are.” Sophie and I sing this to each other often. While it is a good, body positive song, the story that goes with it is cute too. Plus, Sophie is really into O the owl, who is a main character. Perhaps it has to do with his love of books? Also, most children enjoy the caterpillar book. It is silly, and they recognize many of their own favorite foods throughout the story. I like it because it is not a particularly long book. DSC_4023

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This author wasn’t familiar to me when I first had Sophie, but I received many of her books as shower gifts. The writing is quirky, calming, and creative. The sleep book is particularly relaxing to read, so I usually save it for last if we are reading bed time stories.

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This potty training books is extremely popular right now! It is short, simple, and educational. Sophie identified with it pretty well, then she pretty much memorized it, which was adorable because she often recites it while sitting on the potty. I’d highly recommend it for anyone trying to potty train.

Those are our favorite book choices as of right now. In a few months that will probably change as Sophie’s tastes usually evolve with her developmental stages. Hopefully they will be books Cora will come to love too.

 

Recovery

We had a busy weekend and J and I are still recovering. Summer is always a busy time in our little town, because the university puts on retreats for high school youth to rekindle their interest in the church. Honestly, those conferences are how I ended up in the Buckeye State to begin with. Anyway, J has weird work hours as the retreats take place over the weekends. Between that, the wonderful wedding we attended and Cora’s unpredictable sleep schedule, we are simply exhausted.

I stopped nursing Cora last week, and like many moms know, that decision came with a ton of different emotions. I went out and bought myself a few new clothes to help with the transition. No, I didn’t go to Macy’s or anything like that, just picked up a few things from Walmart to get me through summer, since the majority of my clothes are currently nursing tops and nursing bras with various clasps and openings that make it convenient to nurse, but aren’t overall that comfortable to wear.

The one thing keeping me smiling is Sophie’s amazing attitude. She is definitely bordering on the “terrible two” stage, but even with that being said, she is a total sweetheart 99% of the time. She is starting to interact with Cora more, becoming more responsible with the little chores and tasks we give her, and more affectionate (my personal favorite).

We have a busy week ahead, but I’m hoping to find respite by watering the garden with Sophie, cuddling with Cora, and going to the weekly moms group I recently discovered.